Gaslighting: Definition & How to Shut it Down
Gaslighting is a sneaky form of manipulation that can leave you questioning your own reality. If you’ve ever felt like someone was making you doubt your memories or twisting the truth until you weren’t sure what was real anymore, you might have been a victim of gaslighting.
In this blog, we’re breaking down exactly what gaslighting is, why it’s so damaging, and how you can shut it down before it does any more harm.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone tries to make another person doubt their own perceptions, memories, or reality.
The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight. In the movie, a husband manipulates his wife by subtly dimming the lights in their house and then denying that anything’s changed when she notices.
How Does Gaslighting Affect Someone?
This form of manipulation has lasting effects on the victim, including:
-
Decrease in Self-Confidence
Over time, the victim starts doubting their own thoughts, feelings, and even their sanity.
-
Mental Health Impact
Feelings of being trapped and powerless can lead to anxiety, depression, and a sense of hopelessness.
-
Dependency
As the victim begins to doubt their own judgment, they can become dependent on the gaslighter, making them even more susceptible to manipulation.
-
Unhealthy Relationships
Gaslighting undermines trust in relationships, creating an environment of fear, suspicion, and control.
Where Does Gaslighting Occur?
Gaslighting can show up in all kinds of interactions – even in places you wouldn’t expect. Common environments where gaslighting can occur include:
-
Romantic Relationships
Partners might mess with each other’s heads to stay in control or dodge responsibility.
-
Friendships
Friends can gaslight each other to keep the upper hand or assert dominance in the relationship.
-
Family Dynamics
Parents, siblings, or other relatives might use gaslighting to control or manipulate family members.
-
Workplace
Bosses or coworkers could gaslight to cover up their mistakes, shift blame, or hold onto power.
-
Healthcare
Doctors or other medical pros might downplay symptoms or dismiss concerns, making patients second-guess their own experiences.
-
Political or Social Settings
Leaders or influencers might use gaslighting to manipulate public opinion or keep control over a group of people.
-
Legal Situations
Lawyers or others in legal battles might use gaslighting to confuse or intimidate the other side.
Why Do People Gaslight Others?
Gaslighting behavior is usually tied to a need for control, power, or self-preservation. Common reasons someone might gaslight you include:
-
A Need for Control
By making you doubt yourself, they can control the situation or the relationship more easily.
-
Avoiding Accountability
When you begin to question your own perceptions, the gaslighter can avoid taking responsibility for their actions or mistakes.
-
Deep Insecurities
When one feels insecure or threatened, gaslighting to undermine others can boost their own sense of superiority.
-
Manipulation
Gaslighting is a tool for manipulation, allowing the gaslighter to get what they want by confusing and disorienting the victim.
-
A Desire to Create Dependence
Gaslighting can be used to weaken the victim’s self-esteem, making them more dependent on the abuser.
How Do I Know Someone is Gaslighting Me?
Recognizing gaslighting can be tricky because it’s designed to make you doubt yourself. If you’re feeling confused, constantly second-guessing your memories, or wondering if you’re being too sensitive, you might be experiencing gaslighting.
Common signs of gaslighting include:
-
Denial of Facts
The gaslighter denies things that the victim knows to be true, like past events or statements, leading the victim to question their memory.
-
Twisting Reality
The gaslighter might distort or fabricate information to make the victim feel confused or uncertain about what is real.
-
Shifting Blame
The gaslighter often blames the victim, accusing them of being overly sensitive, forgetful, or irrational.
-
Isolation
Gaslighters may isolate their victims from friends and family, making it harder for them to get a reality check.
How to Prepare Yourself for Gaslighting
Gaslighting can be confusing and damaging, but recognizing it and responding assertively can help protect your mental and emotional well-being.
If you’re experiencing repeated gaslighting behavior, you can prepare your mental defenses by taking the following steps:
1. Stay calm and grounded
It’s very common for gaslighters to use your emotional reaction to their behavior as a way to twist the conversation. If the conversation is escalating, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts before responding. Instead of reacting emotionally, give thoughtful responses, such as, “I see that we have different views on this.” This can diffuse tension without agreeing with them.
2. Set boundaries
Understand what behaviors you won’t tolerate. This could include name-calling, dismissing your feelings, or twisting your words. Make it clear that you won’t tolerate dismissive or manipulative behavior. It’s also helpful to determine what actions you’ll take if your boundaries are crossed. These could include distancing yourself or ending the conversation. If they try to cross your boundaries, remind them of what you’ve said and follow through with the consequences you’ve set.
3. Document your conversations
If the gaslighting is frequent, keeping a record of conversations can be a powerful strategy to protect yourself and maintain clarity about what’s really happening. It can help you keep track of what was said, provide evidence if needed, and reinforce your perception of reality.
4. Seek support
It can be helpful to get an outsider’s perspective. Share your experiences with friends, family, or a licensed therapist who can validate your feelings and offer advice.
5. Remember: It’s Not You, It’s Them
It’s important to remember that being a victim of gaslighting isn’t a reflection on you. It’s actually a reflection of the gaslighter’s deep insecurities and need for control. A person who is truly confident and secure in themselves won’t feel the need to manipulate or diminish others in order to feel powerful. Gaslighting is simply an attempt to regain a sense of control by undermining your reality.
Examples of Gaslighting & How to Shut it Down
Gaslighting can take on many forms. Below are some common things a gaslighter might say – and how you can respond to shut down their behavior!
Gaslighter: “You’re way too sensitive.”
Response
“My emotions matter, and they deserve to be acknowledged. Let’s focus on the original topic rather than my sensitivities.”
Gaslighter: “That didn’t happen.”
Response
“I recall it very differently. Let’s compare our memories to see where the misunderstanding lies.”
Gaslighter: “You’re blowing this out of proportion.”
Response
“This issue is significant to me. Please try to understand my perspective, even if it’s not the same as yours.”
Gaslighter: “Everyone else agrees with me.”
Response
“It’s perfectly OK for us to have different opinions. Let’s find a solution between ourselves without bringing others into it.”
Gaslighter: “I was just kidding. You need to lighten up.”
Response
“Jokes should be fun for everyone. If it hurts me, it’s not just a joke.”
Gaslighter: “You’re being irrational.”
Response
“I believe my concerns are reasonable, and I’d like to have a calm conversation about them.”
Gaslighter: “You always twist things around.”
Response
“I’m sharing my viewpoint. We can have an open conversation about this without placing blame.”
Gaslighter: “You’re only saying that because you’re insecure.”
Response
“Even if I do have insecurities, they don’t negate the validity of my concerns. Let’s focus on the issue, not my personality.”
Gaslighter: “You’re not remembering it right.”
Response
“We may have different recollections, but that doesn’t make mine incorrect. Let’s talk through it.”
Gaslighter: “You just want to argue.”
Response
“I’m actually trying to not argue; I’m trying to resolve this. Let’s keep the discussion constructive.”
Gaslighter: “You’re being paranoid.”
Response
“I’m sharing legitimate concerns. I’d love to address those rather than brushing them off as paranoia.”
Seeking Help for Gaslighting & Harmful Relationships
Suffering from gaslighting behavior in your relationships? Our licensed, clinical team and holistic treatment model allows our clients to explore how to accept and embrace the inevitable hurdles and pain that accompany emotionally abusive behavior and other mental health concerns. Learn more about our intensive outpatient and partial hospitalization programs.
